How do I deal with a mean and hurtful person who doesn't let go of any opportunity to insult me, no matter how hard I try. Can I cut off from them?

by Asma bint Shameem

♦️ ANSWER:

The answer depends on whether this person is your blood relative or not.

🔺A. If they are among your blood relatives, then holding up ties of kinship is of the most important of this issue.

One of the most beloved things in Islaam is to hold up ties of kinship and it's a major sin if you break off these ties.

💎 The Prophet ﷺ said:

“No one who severs ties of kinship will enter Paradise.” (Muslim)

So you can't break off ties with them in case they are your blood relatives and you have to be patient with them.

Deal with them with wisdom and kindness even if they're rude or mean.

💎 The Prophet ﷺ said:

“The upholder of kinship ties is not the one who is kind to them if they are kind to him, rather the upholder of kinship ties is the one who, if his relatives cut him off, he upholds the ties of kinship with them.”

(al-Bukhaari)

I know it's easier said than done especially if you've been putting up with them for a while.

But remember, for all your patience and efforts, you will be rewarded immensely and Allaah will compensate you for all your hurt and insults and whatever you've put up with, of them so far.

💎 A man said:

'O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.

He said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.”

(Muslim)

🌷What to do?

In hopes of them stopping this behavior, I can suggest the following:

▪️1. Talk to them one-on-one in a nice manner and explain how their behavior hurts you. But be very wise, gentle and soft.

▪️2. if you feel that this is not going to work, because there are people who just won't let you talk to them, then maybe you can talk in confidence to someone else that they respect or a mutual friend etc who might talk to them on your behalf.

▪️3. Try sending them gifts on various occasions even if they’ve been mean to you because giving gifts is a beautiful way to clear the heart and build love.

🍃 The Prophet ﷺ said:

“Exchange gifts, you will love one another.” (al-Bukhaari in al-Adab al-Mufrad- Hasan by al-Albaani)

▪️4. Or you may give them subtle hints, like you giving them a book or CDs on good Islaamic manners, the diseases of the tongue, the rights of relatives, etc

Or forward them an email on the subject.

▪️5. Or maybe take this person to a halaqah or khutbah where you've already talked to the Imaam about their situation beforehand so he can address the issue indirectly.

▪️6. If you've tried all this and more, and if you think your distancing yourself from them might benefit the situation and make them see the problem and fix it, then the ulama say you may do that for a while to fix the situation and bring them to their senses.

🍃 Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr said:

“The scholars are unanimously agreed that it is not permissible for a Muslim to forsake his brother for more than three days, unless he fears that speaking to him and upholding ties with him may undermine his religious commitment or lead to some harm affecting his religious or worldly affairs.

If that is the case, then he is allowed to avoid him and keep away from him, and perhaps cutting off ties and shunning him in a good manner is better than mixing with him if that will result in harm.

As the poet said:

If mixing with others will only mean baring your teeth at one another, then keeping a distance in a peaceful manner is best for both parties.”

(al-Tamheed 6/127).

▪️7. And if nothing works then there's nothing wrong with your distancing yourself from such a person, without COMPLETELY cutting off.

You may talk to them over the phone once in a while instead of visiting frequently and being too friendly.

Limit yourself to a “minimum” interaction by just saying “Salaam”, giving them a call here and there, making duaa for them, etc.

That is enough to keep up “ties of kinship” without actually having to visit them frequently.

🍃 Someone asked Shaikh Bazmool:

“What is the rule with regard to visiting close relatives so that ties do not get broken?”

The Shaykh said:

“Keeping ties with close relatives: nothing has been narrated that specifies it as [bring achieved] through visits alone, for indeed, it can be achieved even with [just] a greeting of Salaam that reaches them, [one’s] asking about them, supplicating for them, or mentioning good about them.

The common folk have it going around that keeping ties with close relatives cannot happen without visiting [them], [but] this has no basis in Islaamic legislation, for keeping ties happens through all [the means] mentioned [above]!

Al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him, mentions in [his book] Silsilah al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah, under no. 1777, a hadeeth:

“Keep blood ties connected (lit., “moist”), even if that were [just] with a greeting of Salaam.”

In it is a proof that keeping ties with blood relatives is achieved, even if with [just] a greeting of Salaam that reaches them.

And today, all praise and thanks be to Allaah, talking to relatives, connecting with them, and asking about them over the phone is as easy as can be, and Allaah is the One who grants all success.

And let it be known that visiting relatives and close family should not be a cause of earning sins, for some people put their relatives and close family through difficulty by their visiting them; one [of these] may burden them with that which they cannot handle; then they suffer and get upset due to that, and ties are broken.

And the reason was his insistence on keeping ties by way of visits, without having regard for its manners and etiquettes.

So it is not from good manners that you visit them when they are busy, like your visiting them on work or study days.

And it is not from good manners [your] extending the visit, so it should not be except for [the duration of] lunch or dinner [and not extended beyond that].

And it is not from good manners that you overburden them, so that you visit them, you, your children, your wife (lit., “your family”), and your dependents.

And in this way, some matters make the issue [of visiting relatives], instead of being a means of keeping ties, a cause for breaking them! And Allaah is the One who grants all [true] success.” (Taken from Shaykh Bazmool’s website/blog)

🔺B. If this person is not your blood relative then you don't have to worry about the sin of cutting off ties of kinship and the situation is easier to handle.

▪️Even if they're not your relative, you can still try and apply all the above points but if they doesn't seem to care, then simply stay away from them.

You're under no obligation to keep in contact with them and there's no need to put up with their insults.

🔺However, do not “forsake” them; rather you can keep some distance from them.

So it would be noble of you to say salaam to them first if you see them.

🍃 The Prophet ﷺ said:

“It is not permissible for a man to forsake his Muslim brother for more than three days, each of them turning away from the other when they meet.

The better of them is the one who gives the greeting of Salaam first.” (Al-Bukhaari 5727, Muslim 2560)

And if they're ever in trouble, be there for them.

If they're sick, go visit them and bring over their favorite food.

And if one day they do decide to be nice to you, reciprocate likewise.

🔺Allaah says:

"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend."

(Surah Fusslat :34)

And know that it takes a bigger and better person to do all that and to forgive and forget.

That makes YOU that bigger person.

Always remember this beautiful ayah from the Qur'aan:

💎 "Do you not love that Allaah should forgive YOU? And Allaah is Forgiving, Merciful."

(Surah Noor: 22)

Of course we all make mistakes and we would definitely love that Allaah should forgive us!

So just like WE would hope that Allaah would forgive us, similarly THEY would also like to be forgiven as well.

So try and forgive them and move on. And if they're not your blood relative, then try and find new friends who are nice to you.

🔺In the end, always and no matter what, DO MAKE DUAA for such people and ask Allaah to soften their heart and guide them to good manners.

🔺And make duaa for yourself as well and ask Allaah to give you patience and wisdom in dealing with them, enable you to overlook others people’s bad behavior, and guide you to that which is pleasing to Him Alone.

May Allaah always guide us and bless us with softness, love and good manners for our Muslim brothers and sisters.

And Allaah knows best.