How to deal with Angry people

by Asma bint Shameem

We all come across angry people at some point in our lives.

No doubt it’s not easy and requires a lot of patience and wisdom.

But if we hold on to the guidance of the Prophet ﷺ in dealing with anger, we will be able to cope with it in a much better way.

Here are some tips to help deal with someone who has anger issues.

1. Know it’s a TEST from Allaah

Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta’aala has promised us that He will test us with different things so that He can see which one amongst us is patient and steadfast and who is not.

🍃Allaah says:

“Who has created death and life that He may test you which of you is best in deed”

[al-Mulk 67:2]

🍃And He Subhaanahu wa Ta’aala said:

“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.)” (Surah al-Baqarah: 155)

So Allaah tests some people in their health, some in their wealth and some in their loved ones.

So KNOW that Allaah is testing you with this angry person.

2. Be patient

And if you bear patiently, and with wisdom, you will be rewarded immensely.

🍃The Prophet ﷺ said:

“…whoever is patient Allaah will bestow patience upon him, and no one is ever given anything better and more generous than patience.” (al-Bukhaari)

3. Ignore their outbursts and return their anger with gentleness and love

🍃 Allaah says:

“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal.

Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.”

(Surah Fussilat: 34)

4. Set boundaries

Tell him what you are not willing to tolerate and speak to him in a good manner.

🍃 Allaah says:

“The servants of The Compassionate are those who walk upon the earth in humility. When the ignorant address them, they say, “Peace.”” (Al Furqan, 25:63)

5. Remind them gently

When he’s angry, a gentle reminder to keep calm and control emotions may help.

🍃 Ibn Abbaas radhi Allaahu anhu reported that a man sought permission to speak to ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab radhi Allaahu anhu then he said:

"O son of al-Khattaab, you are not giving us much and you are not judging fairly between us."

Umar radhi Allaahu anhu was so angry that he was about to attack the man, but al-Hurr ibn Qays, who was one of those present, said:

"O Ameer al-Mu’mineen, Allaah said to His Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam:

‘Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the foolish’ [al-A’raaf 7:199].

“This man is one of the foolish”

"By Allaah, ‘Umar could go no further after al-Hurr had recited this aayah to him, and he was a man who was careful to adhere to the Book of Allaah.” ( al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 4/304).

6. Don’t fuel the fire

When they’re angry, keep quiet and leave them alone.

Talking back usually fuels the fire.

Know that the anger is temporary and he will calm down soon.

Keep in mind that words spoken in anger usually leave deep scars.

🍃 The Prophet ﷺ said:

"If any of you becomes angry, let him keep silent." (Ahmad, Saheeh al-Jaami’)

Although the above instructions are for the angry person himself, it is hoped that if we also follow this example, we will be able to help dissipate their anger.

7. Get out of there

If someone is unleashing on you, politely move away from there and tell them you’ll talk to them when they’ve calmed down.

🍃 One time Abu Dharr radhi Allaahu anhu was watering his camels and someone made him angry.

He was standing, so he sat down, then he laid down.

Someone asked him, "O Abu Dharr, why did you sit down then lie down?"

He said: "The Messenger of Allaah ﷺ said:

"If any of you becomes angry and he is standing, let him sit down, so his anger will go away; if it does not go away, let him lie down."

(Ahmad, 5/152- Saheeh al-Jaami’, 694)

Again, the above instructions are for the angry person himself, but it’s hoped that you moving away from the scene will help calm the person down and take control of his anger.

8. Say “Aa’oodhu Billaahi min ash-Shaytaanir-Rajeem” and encourage them to say it too.

🍃 Sulayman ibn Sard radhi Allaahu anhu said:

"I was sitting with the Prophet ﷺ and two men were slandering one another.

One of them was red in the face, and the veins on his neck were standing out.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

‘I know a word which, if he were to say it, what he feels would go away.

If he said:

"I seek refuge with Allaah from the Shaytaan," what he feels (i.e., his anger) would go away.’" (al-Bukhaari)

The angry person himself should be saying Aa’oodhu Billaah, but if you say it yourself, that will remind them to say it and it will also help you to stay calm and not get angry in turn.

9. Heart to heart

When they’re calm and cool, have a heart to heart talk with them.

Tell them how they hurt you and how it makes you feel when they’re angry.

By explaining your feelings in a calm and gentle way, it is hoped that they would be more likely to listen and more likely to be empathetic and mend their ways.

🍃 The Prophet ﷺ said:

“You must be gentle. Verily, gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it makes it ugly.”

(Ahmad-saheeh by al-Albaani)

🍃 And he ﷺ said:

“O Aa’ishah, Allaah is kind and He loves kindness in all matters.” (al-Bukhaari)

10. Take a good look at your own behavior as well

Sometimes we ourselves may be defensive due to past experiences and so we may be unknowingly setting off triggers in the other person without realizing and thus end up making him angry.

Instead of being irritable and defensive when they speak to you, listen to them with an open mind and clear heart.

Show them love and tolerance in ways they can understand and appreciate, instead of being on guard.

In shaa’ Allaah with your good behavior and soft manners, they will also reflect and catch on.

11. Make duaa for them

A sincere Duaa can move mountains.

Ask Allaah to help them control their anger, and give them peace. And ask for your own peace of mind as well.

Ask in any language especially at times when duaa is more likely to be accepted such as in the middle of the night, or in between adhaan and iqaamah, or during your Salaah in your sujood, and in tashahhud, at the time of breaking your fast, etc.

12. Help them work through their anger

by showing them the aayaat and ahaadeeth about anger when they’re calm.

Remind them of the harms of anger, the benefits of forgiveness and the rewards of letting go.

a) 🍃Allaah says:

“And march forth in the way (which leads to) forgiveness from your Lord, and for Paradise as wide as are the heavens and the earth, prepared for Al-Muttaqun (the pious)

Those who spend [in Allaah’s Cause] in prosperity and in adversity, who REPRESS ANGER, and who PARDON men; verily, Allaah loves Al-Muhsinun (the good-doers).”

(Surah Aal-Imraan: 133-134)

b) 🍃 The Prophet ﷺ said:

“Whoever restrains his anger, Allaah will cover his faults. Whoever controls his fury – even if he is able to show it – Allaah will fill his heart with hope on the Day of Resurrection.” (hasan/sound by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 906).

c) Do not become angry and Paradise will be yours (al-Tabaraani- Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7374)

d) "Whoever controls his anger at the time when he has the means to act upon it, Allaah will call him before all of mankind on the Day of Resurrection, and will let him choose of the Hur al-’Iyn whoever he wants." (Abu Dawud, hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami, 6518).

e) “Allaah will not increase a person who forgives others except in honor.” (Muslim).

13. Remind your own self of the Ahaadeeth as well

🍃 Anas radhi Allaahu anhu reported that the Prophet ﷺ passed by some people who were wrestling.

He asked, "What is this?"

They said: "So-and-so is the strongest, he can beat anybody." The Prophet ﷺ said:

"Shall I not tell you who is even stronger than him?

The man who, when he is mistreated by another, controls his anger, has defeated his own shaytaan and the shaytaan of the one who made him angry."

(al-Bazzaar, - saheeh by Ibn Hijr. Al-Fath, 10/519)

14. Encourage them to get professional help and take anger management classes

Taking the means to achieve our goals is part of our Tawakkul in Allaah.

Means and tools are part of the ways Allaah has provided us to seek treatment if we’re in sick, or to achieve our goals for the dunya and Aakhirah.

🍃 A man said to the Prophet ﷺ:

“O Messenger of Allaah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allaah?”

The Prophet ﷺ said:

“Tie her and trust in Allaah.” (at-Tirmidhi- Hasan by al-Albaani)

And Allaah knows best.